A Girl After God’s Own Heart
I cry, I weep and I hug my pillow wishing it was you Jesus.
Sometimes pain can be unbearable. The pain can come from loved ones, situations, or simply the enemy using your own insecurities against you.
It is weird how we live in a imperfect world but yet the expectations of perfection are so highly demanded. We live in fear of being ourselves because we are afraid of who will like us and who will not like us. When in reality, not everyone will and that’s OK. We put expectations on other people to be this perfect image to us. To never make us hurt or feel sadness. When they do, we feel destroyed, alone and the pain sinks in. That’s a big expectation to put on someone and a very tiring job for someone to try and make you happy 24/7. They are just as imperfect as you.
When we put all of our hope and joy into one thing we will end up on a emotional roller coaster all the time. When they are up, you are up. When they are down, so are you. Here is where I am going with this, God is your fulfillment. Period. Where is your foundation coming from in your relationships? Pain becomes bearable when we lean in even closer to Jesus when our heart is hurting. Instead we run to other people to make us feel better. They can’t really say too much to you that is going to change how you feel. Why? Because it has to come from your own belief in yourself.
Boy oh boy, do I still battle, struggle and wrestle with this.
I will always speak from experience and from my heart. I am not going to sit here and share my feelings without sharing my struggle. I am pretty much a open book and transparent. I have been through many things in my life. I am sure that many can say they have as well. My goal is to help people understand that they can get through these struggles and that they will come out on top each time.
When I became a Christian and gave my heart to Jesus nothing quick inside of me changed. I didn’t feel different right away. It was more along the lines of me getting water baptized and thinking this was it. This was going to change my life. I didn’t realize that I also had to be the change. I needed to repent, change my thinking, on many different areas of my life. Even today, I still struggle with some areas. Many people will tell you they are catholic, christian and so on. They will tell you everything they do for the church and what not but you can tell their heart is far from God. Like I too, once was. A girl after God’s own heart is what I wanted to be. It it what I still set out to be today. Just because I was water baptized and am a christian doesn’t mean I get it right all the time. Doesn’t mean that I don’t mess up and fall short of what God would want for me. Many on the outside think, if you are a christian then why do you still do this or why did you do that. HELLO because we are human. We are still fleshly and yes we still make mistakes.
Here is what I can say. Loving Jesus has done nothing but make me want to love people MORE. Yes, the lonely, the hurting, the broken, the cheaters, the liars, the thieves and so on. Before I was made new, I never would ever think to love someone who has hurt me. It was retaliation all the way. You make me mad, I get you back. Before I knew God, I wanted to never feel the pain of being alone so from man to man I went. Now, I am discovering how precious I am in His eyes. See, my whole perspective has shifted and changed. My viewpoints, my communication has all changed because of The One that I love. When I finally got into the mind set that He is my Father it was a whole new level to my relationship with Him.
So, in my moments of struggle, my moments of weakness, my moments of doubt, my moments of insecurity I cling to my pillow wishing it was Jesus. Just to feel His peace. Just to have Him right next to me. I know He is always with me but in those moments in when I need to call out to Him and not to anyone else. Not to my phone, not to social media etc. My friends, no one can fill that for you. No one. Stop putting that kind of pressure on people.
Let’s be on this journey together to be more and more like Jesus everyday.
A girl after God’s own heart,