Letting go of your ex can be a painful process.
You’re holding on because you’d rather not be alone.
Your worth and identity are tied up in that person. You can’t fathom what it would be like without him or her.
You wonder, “How do I let go of that person?”
No matter how much pain they put you through, you always hold onto that one little thing that might’ve been good.
I’m not an expert in this area, but I’m an expert in dating some really bad people. I’m an expert in healing from those people.
Way too many of you are holding on to a man or a woman, who is doing nothing but causing you pain. You would rather hold onto that person and be in pain, than let go and experience freedom.
‘Don’t Be That Crazy Girl’
If you read my book ‘Know Your Worth’, there’s a chapter called ‘Don’t be that Crazy Girl.’ Let me tell you about my craziness. I was so insecure, and so lost. I let my whole identity stem from the relationship I was in.
I would be that girl. I would drive by their house, or drive by where they worked, to make sure they were there. I thought they were always lying to me. I was going to catch them in an act to prove them wrong.
I would stare at my phone and hope they would text me. And I would be happy if they did. I would anticipate the next text message, because everything of who I was, was tied into whether they liked me, and whether they wanted to be with me. I couldn’t see past that.
Here are my 6 eye-opening tips:
1. It’s a decision.
And that sounds so easy to say. Your heart is broken. I get it.
But you have to make the decision in order to begin to heal.
You may be wondering why it’s so hard to letting go of this person. If you had sex with them, you have soul ties with that person.
And you’re probably holding onto them because of the fact that you had sex with them.
God created sex for marriage. It’s an emotional experience between two people. When you have sex before marriage, you open doors to your spirit and soul ties are created.
These are things people don’t talk about.
Because sex is good. Sex is fun. Let’s have sex with everyone, because we have to figure out if they love us or not.
Sex is great inside of marriage. In my book I talk about how I became pure again after losing my virginity at a very young age. That’s why I’m so passionate about this topic.
It has taken me a long time to heal from wounds and letting go.
My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, but I gave it away because I wanted someone to love me.
When you’re letting go of an ex, you need to take into consideration, that if you’ve had sexual intercourse, your soul is attached to them.
Make the decision to break the ties, and close the doors of that relationship.
2. You need to stop stalking them on social media.
Stop trying to have an excuse to see them. Stop trying to have an excuse to manipulate them.
And it’s hard.
But you’re only putting yourself through a painful cycle. Because they’re not going to respond. They’re over you.
And you’re probably asking yourself, “How could they be over me so quickly? How could they move on so fast and I’m still in pain.?”
They were over you way before the relationship ended.
And that hurts.
But they were.
I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. I was a serial boyfriend dater and I had the next boyfriend lined up before I left the current boyfriend.
They’re over you.
And it sucks. I get it. But in order to heal, you have to stop putting a band aid on it. You have to start stitching it up.
You have to delete the text message thread that you keep revisiting on your phone.
Stop trying to change the situation. Stop trying to read through that text a bazillion times trying to figure out what you did wrong. Because you probably didn’t do anything wrong.
Sometimes you’re just not meant to be together. Your worth isn’t tied into that relationship. It should be tied into Jesus.
Delete the text message thread. Delete them off social media. Get rid of the ties. You don’t need their facebook pictures blowing up in your news feed with their new girl or boy.
It’s okay. They’ve moved on. They’re good. Delete it all. And it sucks. You don’t want to do it because you just want to know what they’re doing. You just want to hang on.
Do it today. If you’re in that situation, you’re probably playing back the facebook thread and looking at all the pictures. You’re reminiscing, and thinking one day you’ll be back together.
You’re praying for God to work a miracle so you can be with that person.
But God is saying, “He’s isn’t for you! Or she isn’t for you!”
And He loves you too much to keep taking you through it.
3. Surround yourself with community and support when letting go.
Don’t go to the people who are only going to solidify how you feel. Don’t go to those people who will say, “Oh, you’re doing so great.”
Go to the people who say, girl, you’re coming to church. People who will tell you they will text you everyday. They tell you not to text him and not to call him.
And as mean as it sounds, when you’re full of emotions in that moment, they’re doing the best thing for you.
Stop locking yourself in your room, crying every night because he’s not texting or calling you. It’s time to start living.
Stop waiting around for your life to begin. When it’s already begun.
Block everything. The phone. His friends. Your mutual friends. It’s for you. This is so you can stop searching for an answer.
4. Don’t play the jealousy game when you’re letting go of your ex.
That means you know he or she is going to be there, at a bar, or church, or wherever. And you show up looking the best that you can, because you want him to be jealous.
That means also, that you might show up with another person, because you want them to be jealous.
Do you realize how ridiculous that is.
First of all, why would you want someone to be with you, if you have to make them jealous in order to be with you. Why are you trying to change who you are, your beliefs, your core values, for somebody just to be with you. You’re basically begging them to be with you.
I’ve been there.
You are worth so much more.
You are worth being pursued. Jesus died on the cross for you. You were bought with a price.
You don’t need to go and throw yourself at every guy and every person that comes along hoping to find that love.
Stop trying to make them jealous. Because making them jealous doesn’t make them love you. You don’t want to be with someone who you have to make jealous.
Can you put yourself together and go out, because you want to do it to serve Jesus and you want to look good, regardless if you see them or not? Amen to that.
But don’t have the intention and the heart attitude of wanting to make them jealous so they can see what they lost. That’s not where your heart position needs to be.
5. Don’t allow the ‘string along’ game to continue.
Here’s the string along game.
You guys break up and you’re finally getting over it, and they text you and say, “Hey, you going to church?”
And you’re like, oh my gosh, he texted me. He likes me again. He wants to be with me. Oh my gosh. I have to look so good.
But he doesn’t show up at church. And two or three weeks later you hear from him again.
And it’s literally like opening up a wound and they’re stabbing you over and over again. You keep healing and they keep stabbing. Or vice versa. Maybe you’re doing it to someone else.
You’re not an option. God did not create you to be an option to somebody.
If they call, you don’t even have to answer. You don’t have to be mean. You don’t have to give them a reason. Because if you’re still emotionally attached, you will read into their text or phone call every single time. You will think they love you.
And they don’t look at it that way at all. Especially men. They’re not emotional beings like women are. They don’t process like women process.
Remember that you’re not an option.
Stop playing the string along game when letting go of your ex. You may be doing it to someone else, because you don’t want to be alone. But you know that they are not supposed to be with you and you’re not supposed to be with them.
Let them go. Or free yourself if they don’t want to let you go.
It’s all about being closer with God. That’s what our focus should be.
They call because they’re lonely too. They call because they’re not as emotionally attached as you are. Especially if you had sex with them.
Think about when you call someone. Maybe you broke up with someone. Why do you call them? You know that you don’t want to get back with them.
But you’re kind of lonely, and you remember some good times. Maybe some of those good times outweigh the bad times, and you think maybe that’s where you should focus.
That’s why we call.
We call because we’re bored. We have nothing else to do. And at that moment they fit in your schedule.
6. We have to stop searching for closure.
This is something I learned, because someone broke up with me over a text message.
I’m sure many of you have stories like that. And you think, “Couldn’t you have called or met with me to talk about breaking up?” Especially grown adults.
So, someone broke up with me over a text message. It was like a, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, thing.
And I thought, “What? Why? I thought things were good. I knew you said you needed time, but why all of a sudden is it a break up?”
I had no closure.
Think about those moments when you know you don’t want to forgive someone. They may never see what they did wrong, but you forgive them for your own healing. And so that you can be free. You don’t have to live with that shame and guilt anymore.
Bring closure to a bad relationship.
I want you to say, “I’m a daughter of Christ, or a son of Christ. I don’t need to search out this man or woman to find my identity anymore. We’re not meant to be together, and I’m on this journey to heal.”
That’s what’s important.
We do have to forgive ourselves. We probably made some decisions in that relationship we’re not happy with. Decisions we’re ashamed of. And again, you’re going to feel it deeper if you’ve had sex with that person.
And that’s the reality and truth of it.
And that’s why I’m so passionate about helping people become closer to Christ, and to regain their purity. Becoming pure is not stupid. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.
People are made fun of now, for not wanting to have sex. The new norm is to have sex in order to see if you love each other.
And I believe that if God created sex, He’s going to bring it into your marriage. You’ll pray together, and you’ll have the best sex ever.
Letting go of your ex takes work. It takes being intentional. But God can heal you. He’s a healer. He healed me. He got me through so much in relationships and my past.
We can’t always blame the other person.
You may want to blame the other person because of something they did to you.
We have to remember that we made that decision to get into bed with them. We made that decision to have sex with them. We made that decision to be with them. We made that decision just as much as they made that decision.
We can’t take responsibility for their actions, but we can take responsibility for our actions.
You don’t have to live in shame when letting go.
If you live in shame, then fall into the arms of Jesus.
He tells us not to live in shame. He heals us from our past.
Focus on the Lord and say, “Okay God, here are these things I’ve done. I’ve made these mistakes. What can I do to glorify you? What can I do to bring this painful past into my purpose? What can I do to take this and walk through it to glorify You?”
It’s not about us anymore.
You’ve made those decisions, but what can you do to glorify God.
Letting go is a process. That’s why I recommend counselling, therapy, people in your life, community and support, to make sure that what you’re doing is aligned with God.
So many of you live in shame and guilt because of bad experiences from your past, and you’re never able to move forward.
That’s why so many people feel like they don’t have purpose. Because they are holding onto the shame and the guilt for so long, that they don’t know what to do anymore. It’s consumed them.
They feel like it’s what they deserve. They feel they deserve a guy or girl to cheat on them. Maybe they deserve someone who treats them like crap, because of the decisions they’ve made.
I’ve heard that too.
I’ve made these decisions, so maybe this is God punishing me.
He’s not punishing you. He wants you. He’s a loving father.
There’s things God will do to guide you and redirect you to follow His path.
He’s going to protect you, so He’s going to do things or allow things that you’re not comfortable with, in order to get you back to His path.
What if you are the problem in the relationship but you can’t seem to change?
It’s a decision to change, and it’s a process to change.
I think when you acknowledge the problem and where it stems from, then can you begin to work on it.
Typically, the things we bring into our relationships, are from past circumstances.
Are you jealous or insecure in your relationship? Are you controlling because your parents were? Did you see your dad or mom control their spouse, or your brother? Did they beat you? Did they abuse you?
Were you in a relationship that caused you pain? Do you inflict pain on others because you experienced pain?
How you are right now, is what you’ve either overcome, or what you’re still holding onto.
Get into community, support, and counselling, but get to the root of the problem.
I was the problem. I had insecurities and jealousies. I wanted to stalk my boyfriends. I couldn’t let go. That was me.
I had to realize that the reason why I experienced these things, was because of my past.
It’s not necessarily because of the other person, even though they might do things to you that upset you, but it’s not because of them directly. It’s an accumulation of things.
Letting go of your ex takes work.
This is a topic I get asked about a lot. Many of you have read my book ‘Know Your Worth’. You’ve seen the struggles. You’ve seen the pain. You’ve read my story about my heartbreaks and the relationships I’ve been through.
Letting go of your ex takes work. It takes time to work on healing as well. Go through these steps to help you bring closure to a painful relationship.
Do you have any other tips to add to this list? Let me know in the comments.